Author: Ryan Taylor

Dear Diary, Am I losing my hair? I know it’s hard to see, because I’m so tall, but Spira’s feeling insecure. Roy is always talking about how bald guys are subject to rampant discrimination, but that never happens to Spira!  What the heck? Spira’s got money on the Super Bowl, kids. I know a guy who knows a guy in… Read more →

Dear Diary, Listen, Spira’s not going to name names, but there’s some shenanigans going on today!  Tomfoolery, shady business, underhanded dealings, you know the drill… Someone’s trying to take what belongs to Spira and it’s not gonna fly! I don’t need to tell you what happens when someone double-crosses Spira. They hit the bricks, they get the business, they get… Read more →

Dear Diary, Spira is confused. I’m feeling bloated and am retaining water… I’m happy and sad and frustrated all at the same time. Is there a term for this condition? If so, can they name it after Spira? Are there royalties involved? There are so many questions… Spira needs a plan for the Super Bowl.  Should I hunker down in… Read more →

Dear Diary, Remember that time Spira pulled you out of that foxhole in Nam? You never saw it coming! You owe Spira, big-time. Daniel isn’t here today so Spira is doing what he wants. I’m calling foreign citizens of war-torn countries and helping them make investments right here in the US of A!  They just emailed me, out of the blue,… Read more →

Dear Diary, Hey! Something’s been bothering Spira. I went to a Family Dollar the other day, and I found all this great stuff!  Deodorant, cookware, gummy worms, even some toys for Larry… I get to the checkout and it’s like $30!  What the heck?!  I though this was a dollar store!  They’re trying to hustle Spira, pull the wool over… Read more →

Dear Diary, I had a rough day at work today. Daniel said some very hurtful things that made me feel insignificant. He even made fun of the new lunchbox that Lambie bought for me. Afterwards, I went to the gym and totally blasted my pecs, which made me feel better about things. I’m going to go to Gino’s now, even… Read more →

Spira’s attention turned to global politics towards the latter part of the ’80s and he quickly developed a rivalry with Mikhail Gorbachev. While rumors abound as to the source of this discord, it is speculated by scholars that Spira was upset at Gorbachev’s response after asking the Soviet Leader, “Am I losing my hair?” Spira unleashed his revenge by dismantling… Read more →

As Spira travelled the world during the fabulous ’80s, he became acquainted with many thousands of people, and attracted quite the following of lovely young ladies. Spira struggled to keep in contact with all of them, and his little black book quickly turned into a large 3-ring binder overflowing with Rolodex cards, cocktail napkins and Polaroids.  Spira knew there had… Read more →

After years living outside of the public eye, Spira exploded back onto the scene in the ’80s. In 1980, Spira was presented with an investment opportunity for the development of an unconventional sports car with a stainless steel exterior and gull-wing doors. Spira bought in and, the very next year, the first DeLorean rolled off the assembly line. A few… Read more →

Being off the grid was a dramatic change for Spira. Disillusioned by the loss of notoriety, infamy and general public obsession with every detail of his life, Spira retreated into obscurity. He hot-wired an El Dorado and hit the road, eventually settling in the foothills of Montana. He hand-crafted a shotgun shack and learned to live off the land. Over… Read more →

  After the deaths of Yip Man and Bruce Lee, Spira faced an onslaught of attention from the press and was the subject of constant inquiries from the CIA, FBI and KGB.  Spira managed to stay out of the public eye by covertly joining NASA, in hopes of establishing a settlement on the Moon. Upon his discovery that the Apollo… Read more →

As the ’60s wore on and the Beatles became less dependent on Spira’s inspiration and S2-level coaching, Spira again found a new hobby. He joined a local country club as a means to imbibe a few Tom Collins before noon, and was invited to a game of tennis by a fellow member. Spira not only fell in love with the… Read more →

  Disillusioned by the industry, Spira left advertising in the late ’50s and began searching for new pursuits. A lifelong clarinet player, Spira fell in love with the tone and style of the electric guitar. Spira began authoring songs, but his aversion to public press and recognition led him to recruit some young chaps from Liverpool to perform his music.… Read more →

As the United States entered a golden age of prosperity in the 1950s, Spira looked to expand his horizons. He founded an advertising agency on Madison Avenue in 1952 and quickly rose to prominence.  While not officially recognized by the show’s creators, industry insiders are confident that the Mad Men character Don Draper is based on Spira’s exploits as an… Read more →

  After the war, Spira returned to the United States and settled in Manhattan. Despite many lucrative offers, Spira declined to play first base for the Yankees. His above-average height drew interest from a newly-founded professional basketball team known as the Knickerbockers. Spira’s curiosity got the best of him, and he joined the team. Among many contributions to the game,… Read more →

Few people know that Spira is a connoisseur of fine coffees from around the world. In the late ’30s he acquired a large coffee plantation in Colombia where he commanded an army of 100 local farmers. Spira would roast his own beans and then grind them into a fine powder with his bare hands. One morning, while enjoying his morning… Read more →

To celebrate his landmark 10th birthday, Spira’s friends surprised him and took him bowling. Spira invented, and later patented, the 7-10 split.  The 1930s progressed and, while Spira continued to be a successful businessman, the USA was still mired in economic decay. President Franklin D. Roosevelt sought out the wealthy, young Spira and made him a top economic advisor.  Spira… Read more →