Spira’s Diary: July 22, 2022

Dear Diary,

Do you understand what today is? You have no idea. Let me explain it like you’re five. For starters, today is Friday. The best day of the week! Cause for celebration, in and of itself. Today, however, is kind of like a rare eclipse because it is not only Friday, but also Spira’s birthday. Whoa. Can you even begin to understand the hijinx, chicanery and assorted shenanigans that Spira will be getting into today? You can’t, and that’s OK. This is advanced subject matter, not for the faint of heart.

The last time I wrote to you, Diary, Spira was dismayed about Rehana moving to Seattle, the hipster millennial tech town filled with organic WiFi. The good kid Alissa, who also abandoned Spira many years ago, is the main reason this city is so popular and expensive. Well guess what? Spira is in crazy Seattle this week! I don’t know what they have planned for me, but I can only assume that shrimp cocktail will be served along with chilled bottles of Miller High Life.

What are people getting me for my birthday? I know Spira is hard to shop for, but try to be creative. If all else fails, a check made out to Cash suits me just fine. Daniel doesn’t make pictures for me anymore, so I asked him to make me a 3D-printed martini! He has an Android now, so I might never hear from him again.

Okay, Diary, Spira’s gotta go. There’s a $250 Uber waiting to take me 5 blocks to an artisanal coffee shop that micro-sources heirloom beans, grown in bioluminescent caves by mountain goats. It’s $42 a cup! Isn’t there a West Egg around here?

Love,

Spira