Do you understand what today is? You have no idea. Let me explain it like you’re five. For starters, today is Friday. The best day of the week! Cause for celebration, in and of itself. Today, however, is kind of like a rare eclipse because it is not only Friday, but also Spira’s birthday. Whoa. Can you even begin to understand the hijinx, chicanery and assorted shenanigans that Spira will be getting into today? You can’t, and that’s OK. This is advanced subject matter, not for the faint of heart.

The last time I wrote to you, Diary, Spira was dismayed about Rehana moving to Seattle, the hipster millennial tech town filled with organic WiFi. The good kid Alissa, who also abandoned Spira many years ago, is the main reason this city is so popular and expensive. Well guess what? Spira is in crazy Seattle this week! I don’t know what they have planned for me, but I can only assume that shrimp cocktail will be served along with chilled bottles of Miller High Life.

What are people getting me for my birthday? I know Spira is hard to shop for, but try to be creative. If all else fails, a check made out to Cash suits me just fine. Daniel doesn’t make pictures for me anymore, so I asked him to make me a 3D-printed martini! He has an Android now, so I might never hear from him again.

Okay, Diary, Spira’s gotta go. There’s a $250 Uber waiting to take me 5 blocks to an artisanal coffee shop that micro-sources heirloom beans, grown in bioluminescent caves by mountain goats. It’s $42 a cup! Isn’t there a West Egg around here?

Love,

Spira

Spira’s upset. There, I said it! 

The good kids Rehana and Dan are moving to Seattle to find a Gino’s replacement with Alissa. Do they even make pizza in Seattle? I think they owe me an apology.

Young Alex and Crystal are going to Phoenix for the winter – they’re not better than me! Spira could see himself in Phoenix, many babes and much sun. It could be Spira Time all the time in a place like that! 

Where has Busse been? He owes me money and a new picture for the website. Ryan Taylor is a punk, as usual. Spira wants to go to Miami, but he’s all, “There’s a pandemic, Tom. I don’t want to get on a plane!” What is he afraid of, anyway? I’m not saying it’s anti-Semitism, but what else could it be, Diary? He’s not better than me.

Are you aware that today is Friday? Bang Zoom! Spira’s headed to Gino’s and you know what that means. I’ll save you a seat at my booth, but you’d better hurry!

Cordially,

Tom

Editor’s Note: This post was co-authored by the aforementioned Alex Mollón

What in the actual heck is happening?! Gino’s is closed. Spira can’t get a haircut. No English Beat shows at Schuba’s this summer. Whose idea was this? Why wasn’t Spira consulted before this virus was released??

The world has changed, my friend, and it’s cramping Spira’s style in a major way. While we are adept at wandering through the occasional desert, my people are not equipped for this “social distancing” that Chairman Pritzker and Grand Chancellor Trump concocted to keep us hemmed in!

Hey Diary, guess what? For the first time ever, Spira did the FaceTime! Whoa!!! I’m serious as a heart attack about this. Spira used to avoid such video appearances. I already know what I look like and so do you. What’s the point?! Well, I’ll tell you what I’ve discovered, young Diary. With the FaceTime, Spira can crack wise and chew the fat with good kids like the Stonemason and Katie during this quarantine. Daniel too, I guess. That punk owes me a picture!

Also, did you hear that Rehana and Ryan are working together again? Without Spira?! What gives? Is this company anti-Semitic? Do they only hire cool, young millennials who know how to do the Tik Tok using their sustainable Bluetooth stereos? I weep for the future.

Anyway, I have a busy weekend planned. Spira’s going to sneak into Wrigley and watch Game 7 on his fresh new iPad Pro! Fletch is coming too. He’s a dog, so it’s OK. Don’t tell JB!

Adios, losers!

Spira

What’s happening, baby? It’s been awhile since Spira enriched your life with my thoughts and musings. Well, I’m back now! You’re welcome. Everyone knows that Friday is the best day of the week, this is obvious. It is the day where the work week ends, and the weekend begins. Friday is the day that it is finally “on”. If you know Spira, you know that I love to talk about Fridays. At times, I’ll even post about it on the social media. Now, you may be asking yourself, “Well, Tom, what about the other days?” And that’s a great question, one that can not simply be answered “correct” or “cowrong”. Here’s what’s really going on every day of Spira’s week. Pay attention.

Saturday – Saturdays are awesome!  You can do whatever you want all day.  I usually start by sleeping in and recovering from my Friday night escapades.  I review all of the witty and hilarious text messages I sent from the basement, many of which make no sense. Some people are real good kids and can follow Spira’s slow descent into texting nonsense. Then there’s guys like Daniel. Sometimes I’ll conduct a SWOT analysis and do a deep dive on my Friday night results! I’m crazy!

Sunday – Sundays are a paradox. Yes, it is a weekend day, but it’s also a con artist just waiting to pull the old Kansas City Shuffle on you and turn into a school night when you’re not looking. Uncool! For example, a Sunday morning is a lot like a Saturday morning, but a Sunday night at 7:35pm is basically the same as a Tuesday afternoon. Are you following, Diary? I’ll try to explain it like you’re five.

Monday – the worst. Just the absolute worst. Scientifically speaking, Mondays are the furthest thing in the world from Friday. Nothing good ever happens on Mondays. I have nothing more to say on the subject.

Tuesday – Spira used to be confused by Tuesdays. Perplexed, even. Let me share what I’ve learned over many glorious years of being Spira. This is a secret, are you paying attention? Tuesday’s are “No Man’s Land”, much like wandering in the desert. It’s not Monday anymore, which is a step in the right direction. On the other hand, it’s not even Wednesday yet! What gives?

Wednesday – The Hump Day. Lots of activity on Wednesdays! When the day starts, it’s so lame because the week isn’t even half over. However, something magical happens at Noon, and the balance of power shifts towards the inevitable momentum of Friday. It’s all downhill from here, baby! Important note: it is now appropriate to text Ryan and ask him “How many hours?!”

Thursday – the kids these days call it “Friday Junior” – are they kidding Spira? Nothing is Friday except for Friday, ya dig? Sir Isaac Newton discovered that theory and proved it at the first Gino’s many years ago. True fact. Something truly magical does happen when you leave work on Thursday. If you look off into the distance, while listening to an 80s playlist, you can just barely start to see Friday on the horizon… It’s so almost on. Ryan should know exactly how many hours are left and text me back immediately.

That’s a wrap! Should I post this on LinkedIn? Be honest. People tell me I’m an “influencer”, but Spira isn’t about the spotlight. It’s really all about the content and building an authentic community. Don’t @ me.

Best Regards,

Spira

You’ve missed me, I know. I’m not sorry though, Spira’s been busy! He’s got a fancy new pad in the city! He’s got a new job working with Katie! He’s got a new Netflix special dropping next month! One of those isn’t true, but I can’t say more than that… You understand. Many NDAs have been signed.

Have you been watching the Jeopardy lately? Who does this Ken Jennings guy think he is? He’s not better than me. He’s lucky they won’t let Spira on the show. Why, you ask? I don’t have time to explain in detail, but Spira and Trebek have a checkered past! I don’t want to tell tales out of school, but Trebek owes me some money and it’ll take more than a Daily Double to make up for all the interest and late fees. Let’s just say that our Canadian friend doesn’t know much about the ponies, if you catch Spira’s drift.

That’s all for now, Diary. You’re a sweet kid. Thanks for holding down the fort while Spira was busy keeping the world safe for chicanery!

Toodles!

Spira

We need to straighten these clouds out, they owe me a lot of money. Spira doesn’t want to put the cart before the horse, but it is probably time to book my monthly trip to Miami. Many babes with crushes on Spira!

Stay Frosty!

What’s happening, baby? It’s Hanukkah and you haven’t bought anything for Spira yet. What gives? I guess I have been neglecting you, and I’m sorry. Spira’s been busy! Who do you think makes the trains run on time, anyway? Fletch promised he’d take me to Gino’s later and that’s the greatest gift of all.

What’s the plan for the Bear game tomorrow? We’re good this year – who knew?! Anyway, let’s tailgate. I’ve got a Foreman Grill I can plug into the cigarette lighter on the ’94 Saturn. Are you in?

You’re a good kid, Diary. Don’t ever change.

Love,

Spira

P.S. Stay frosty, there will be texting later!

Dear Diary,

Where are you right now? Did I leave you back in dull, gray Chicago?  That saddens me because Spira is currently soaking up the sun on South Beach!  You don’t even know!  Spira needed to escape from winter and find drinks served with many umbrellas and chunks of sugarcane in them.

I’ve been looking forward to this trip for many weeks. Many weeks… Not only because of the aforementioned beverages, but also because, for the first time ever, Spira is allowing a guest to accompany him to Miami.  You may know Ryan Taylor as the slightly shorter, less handsome version of Spira.  While those things may be true, he’s a hell of a mensch and is the kind of guy you want next to you in a foxhole in Nam. Or at a bar when some upstart hipster metalhead wants to make some noise about the Jews!  Don’t get any ideas though, he isn’t better than me…

I’m having a great time, but I do miss the kids in Chicago. Good, sweet kids like Rehana, the Stonemason and, heck, even Daniel!  It must be very bleak there. Conversely, it’s very exciting being near Spira. Just ask Ryan.

Meet me at the bar by the pool!

Spira

It is so on!  Well, not like right now, but it will be!  Soon!  As you know, Spira likes to get out of here during the harsh Chicago winters.  Cold and snow are for squares, and Spira isn’t into that.  I need sunlight, beaches, and babes.  We are a desert people, after all.  Once again, I will be making the annual pilgrimage to the land of my people: Miami Beach.  Aren’t you excited for me?

Are you even aware of what is in store for Spira there?  The hotel has a bar called “The Martini Room”!  Come on!  Also, for the first time ever, Spira will be welcoming a travel companion on his voyage to the Motherland.  You’re very jealous, I know.  Spira did not arrive at this decision lightly.  After analyzing all of the applications, there was a lengthy interview process, which included rigorous physical and intellectual testing.  I also factored in intangibles such as: Moxie, Interpersonal Savvy and Spira Acumen.  It was brutal, but I’m confident that I made the right decision.

What? You think I’m going to tell you who won right now?  Yeah right!  Spira knows how to keep people coming back to the old weblog.  Stay tuned using your gluten-free bluetooth devices!

TTFN,

Spira

It is so not on.  SO not on.  Today is the day the kids call “hump day” and your old pal Spira is struggling.  I must say that it is better than Monday which, as we all know, is the absolute furthest thing from Friday.  You can’t even look at Gino’s on Mondays!  You just can’t!

In other news, Hanukkah starts on December 24 this year, which is totally a result of The Man trying to assimilate my people into the Christmas culture!  What are you getting for Spira this year?  I’m so excited for the eight days worth of gifts that you will all bestow upon me.  You can ship them to me, but I would rather that you present the gifts to me in person along with a Keynote presentation detailing your thought process.

Ryan and Roy are trying to persuade Spira to come out to The Suburbs.  They are plying me with promises of paved roads, electricity and, in certain locations, organic wifi internet connections.  I am wary of this strange land, and not sure if my ’94 Saturn can handle the rocky terrain and errant gunfire that I hear is common in their land.  What if Spira never makes it back to the city?  So many people would be disappointed.  Especially John and Dean.

Spira needs your input and participation!  Should I go out to the suburbs??

Love,

Spira

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and Spira has much to be thankful for this year.  First off, we adopted a new dog!  His name is Fletcher and he is not better than me. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a sweet kid, but if he thinks he’s in charge of the house now, he’s in for a rude awakening!  He’ll eat his Purina Dog Chow and be damn grateful for the opportunity.  I’m also thankful for Gino’s, especially for Dean and John.  Sometimes, they aren’t there and that puts me in the awkward position of having to actually order my drinks and food.  I’ve grown accustomed to a certain level of service, and that does not include having to get the attention of another human being to verbalize what items I would like delivered to me.  Lame!

I miss Eddie and Alex, but don’t tell them I said that!  I do not, however, miss Daniel.  He was really holding me back and raining on Spira’s parade. Well, I should probably get back to the coal mines, Frankie and Nick aren’t going to punch themselves in the arm!

Cheers,

Spira

I know what you’re thinking.  “Where’s Spira?  What is he up to?  Is he thinking about me?”  Well, your old friend Tom is here to assure you that everything is A-OK.  Mission to Mars?  Spira’s on it.  The election?  Don’t worry, I have a plan.  Russia?  Just you wait!  Don’t you worry your pretty little heads.  While you kids have been running around playing Pokemon Go and Amazon Prime, Spira’s been in the basement solving the problems of the world.

First and foremost, I finally got rid of Daniel.  That guy was cramping Spira’s style for years!  I tried to assimilate him to my hegemonic power structure, but he was too darn stubborn to succumb to the brainwashing.  With him out of the way, I’m finally free to do things the Spira Way.  Corporal punishment, frequent scolding and even some low-level waterboarding.  It’s all on the table now and my team loves it!  They respond really well when I threaten their safety and well-being.  Who knew?

Not to get off topic, but have you seen me lately?  Spira’s been hitting the gym.  I might have to buy some new t-shirts to accommodate my expanding deltoids… Whoa!  Time for Spira to get back to work!  The people are eagerly awaiting the chance to savor my presence.

Toodles!

Spira

Upon entering the depths of the basement, you are encapsulated by all things Spira. From the drop cloths drum set, the ska guitar, to the sink used as the bathroom. This is a real man’s man kind of place.

One of the most luxurious futon’s ever made lives in Spira’s basement – a classic indeed. This is where he spends many Friday nights in deep contemplation while drinking his Miller High Life. He has thought up with some of the world’s greatest inventions here – WiFi, the internet, smart cars… You think this was all though up in Silicon Valley? Think again…

Let’s talk about Spira.  All the kids are asking about me lately.  I hear about it all day, “What’s new with Spira?” or “What makes Spira tick?” or “How does Spira keep everyone guessing?” I think it’s about time we explore the things that make Spira Spira. That doesn’t even make sense!  There are several things that define me and make me happy.  I call it the “5 B’s of Spira”:

1. Basement
2. Business
3. Band
4. Babes
5. Bar

I, Spira, have invited some of the people who know me best to write articles about each of these important things. Do you know Alex Mollón?  She is going to write about the Basement. Woah! I don’t think she knows what she’s getting into. That’s a deep subject, lots to unpack there.

Stay tuned to TomSpira.com for more details! I think you kids can use your fancy mobile internet tablet devices to do that. All you crazy millennials with your sustainably sourced propaganda!

Love,

Spira

You know what tomorrow is, don’t you? It’s so obvious… Do you get it now?

Spira is burning down the house! I don’t care if it’s Tuesday night, Spira likes to get down, he likes to party. Which reminds me, how soon is now? Spira has been wondering. He has a one-way ticket to Partytown and he isn’t missing this train, buddy! There’s something in the air tonight, Spira can sense it. Things can only get better, Spira is an optimist! Friday night is coming up, and you know what that means. It is on, much like Donkey Kong!  It’s Friday, dear Diary, and I’m in love. Spira is the owner of a lonely heart. Did you know that we’re swingers? Spira is learning to fly and to stand in the place where he works. Spira doesn’t get money for nothing, he earns his keep! Come on, Eileen!  Spira has so many more jokes, but he’ll save them for later… Get it? Oh man, it’s a sin…

Sussudio!

Spira

Did you hear about this?  I can’t even believe it!  I was always a little bit offended when they didn’t ask Spira to be the Most Interesting Man in the World, because many people have told me that I am the most interesting person they have ever met.  Is now my chance for redemption?  Do you think they would cast a member of the Tribe?  Spira is giddy like a schoolgirl… I’m waiting by the phone.

I don’t want to sound like a broken record, but are you aware of what day tomorrow is?  It is going to be so on.  Two drinks at Gino’s, then band practice in the basement.  Do you even know?  There will be texts.  I’ve been encouraged to “scale up my social media presence to meet the demand of my fans”.  What does that even mean?  Should we connect on Friendster and then launch a GeoCities page?  You kids with your sustainably-sourced RSS feeds…

See you in the funny papers!

Spira

What did the kids buy Spira for Christmas this year?  Now that Hanukkah 2015 is in the books, Spira has shifted his focus to Santa, reindeer and angry shoppers.  Seriously though, what will I get this year?  Spira loves gifts.  Would someone please just get it over with and buy Gino’s for me?  That’s all I really want, and it’s really not that expensive, in the grand scheme of things.  If you buy me the bar, I will let you work bartending shifts on Friday Nights!  WHOA!

This week, I met one of my biggest fans.  His name is Chris Watkins.  It must have been so exciting to meet me… I wonder if he has had a chance to reflect on the experience yet.  I bet he was blown away by how tall and handsome I am in real life, and also how knowledgeable I am about current events.  Why don’t more people know about Spira?  I bet Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders would love me.  We all have so much in common and could carry on fascinating conversations on topics like Gino’s, the Chicago Cubs and what happens to caterpillars after they make those little cocoons.  That would be the best.

See you later, I’m going to go punch Eddie and Nick in the arm!

Love,
Spira

Hey. Are we the only ones who know about this? Seriously. Apart from you, me and the fencepost, who is aware of this? It’s extremely important to Spira that only you and I have access to this knowledge. I’m talking National Security here, mister! I’ll tell Larry about it, of course, but he’s solid. We can trust him. I don’t want to hear about 128-bit encryption, I want solutions! This needs to be kept under wraps, especially if Daniel comes around asking about it. That guy is trouble… Anyway, here’s what I’m talking about.

For most of you, today is Thursday, but for Spira, it’s Friday Night baby! Spira is off tomorrow and it is about to be on!  What should Spira do? I would like to crowdsource my weekend plans from the Comments on this post. Tell Spira what to do! Explain it to me like I’m four.

See you in the funny pages!

Spira