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Go Blue!

Do you understand what today is? You have no idea. Let me explain it like you’re five. For starters, today is Friday. The best day of the week! Cause for celebration, in and of itself. Today, however, is kind of like a rare eclipse because it is not only Friday, but also Spira’s birthday. Whoa. Can you even begin to understand the hijinx, chicanery and assorted shenanigans that Spira will be getting into today? You can’t, and that’s OK. This is advanced subject matter, not for the faint of heart.

The last time I wrote to you, Diary, Spira was dismayed about Rehana moving to Seattle, the hipster millennial tech town filled with organic WiFi. The good kid Alissa, who also abandoned Spira many years ago, is the main reason this city is so popular and expensive. Well guess what? Spira is in crazy Seattle this week! I don’t know what they have planned for me, but I can only assume that shrimp cocktail will be served along with chilled bottles of Miller High Life.

What are people getting me for my birthday? I know Spira is hard to shop for, but try to be creative. If all else fails, a check made out to Cash suits me just fine. Daniel doesn’t make pictures for me anymore, so I asked him to make me a 3D-printed martini! He has an Android now, so I might never hear from him again.

Okay, Diary, Spira’s gotta go. There’s a $250 Uber waiting to take me 5 blocks to an artisanal coffee shop that micro-sources heirloom beans, grown in bioluminescent caves by mountain goats. It’s $42 a cup! Isn’t there a West Egg around here?

Love,

Spira

Spira’s upset. There, I said it! 

The good kids Rehana and Dan are moving to Seattle to find a Gino’s replacement with Alissa. Do they even make pizza in Seattle? I think they owe me an apology.

Young Alex and Crystal are going to Phoenix for the winter – they’re not better than me! Spira could see himself in Phoenix, many babes and much sun. It could be Spira Time all the time in a place like that! 

Where has Busse been? He owes me money and a new picture for the website. Ryan Taylor is a punk, as usual. Spira wants to go to Miami, but he’s all, “There’s a pandemic, Tom. I don’t want to get on a plane!” What is he afraid of, anyway? I’m not saying it’s anti-Semitism, but what else could it be, Diary? He’s not better than me.

Are you aware that today is Friday? Bang Zoom! Spira’s headed to Gino’s and you know what that means. I’ll save you a seat at my booth, but you’d better hurry!

Cordially,

Tom

Editor’s Note: This post was co-authored by the aforementioned Alex Mollón

What in the actual heck is happening?! Gino’s is closed. Spira can’t get a haircut. No English Beat shows at Schuba’s this summer. Whose idea was this? Why wasn’t Spira consulted before this virus was released??

The world has changed, my friend, and it’s cramping Spira’s style in a major way. While we are adept at wandering through the occasional desert, my people are not equipped for this “social distancing” that Chairman Pritzker and Grand Chancellor Trump concocted to keep us hemmed in!

Hey Diary, guess what? For the first time ever, Spira did the FaceTime! Whoa!!! I’m serious as a heart attack about this. Spira used to avoid such video appearances. I already know what I look like and so do you. What’s the point?! Well, I’ll tell you what I’ve discovered, young Diary. With the FaceTime, Spira can crack wise and chew the fat with good kids like the Stonemason and Katie during this quarantine. Daniel too, I guess. That punk owes me a picture!

Also, did you hear that Rehana and Ryan are working together again? Without Spira?! What gives? Is this company anti-Semitic? Do they only hire cool, young millennials who know how to do the Tik Tok using their sustainable Bluetooth stereos? I weep for the future.

Anyway, I have a busy weekend planned. Spira’s going to sneak into Wrigley and watch Game 7 on his fresh new iPad Pro! Fletch is coming too. He’s a dog, so it’s OK. Don’t tell JB!

Adios, losers!

Spira

What’s happening, baby? It’s been awhile since Spira enriched your life with my thoughts and musings. Well, I’m back now! You’re welcome. Everyone knows that Friday is the best day of the week, this is obvious. It is the day where the work week ends, and the weekend begins. Friday is the day that it is finally “on”. If you know Spira, you know that I love to talk about Fridays. At times, I’ll even post about it on the social media. Now, you may be asking yourself, “Well, Tom, what about the other days?” And that’s a great question, one that can not simply be answered “correct” or “cowrong”. Here’s what’s really going on every day of Spira’s week. Pay attention.

Saturday – Saturdays are awesome!  You can do whatever you want all day.  I usually start by sleeping in and recovering from my Friday night escapades.  I review all of the witty and hilarious text messages I sent from the basement, many of which make no sense. Some people are real good kids and can follow Spira’s slow descent into texting nonsense. Then there’s guys like Daniel. Sometimes I’ll conduct a SWOT analysis and do a deep dive on my Friday night results! I’m crazy!

Sunday – Sundays are a paradox. Yes, it is a weekend day, but it’s also a con artist just waiting to pull the old Kansas City Shuffle on you and turn into a school night when you’re not looking. Uncool! For example, a Sunday morning is a lot like a Saturday morning, but a Sunday night at 7:35pm is basically the same as a Tuesday afternoon. Are you following, Diary? I’ll try to explain it like you’re five.

Monday – the worst. Just the absolute worst. Scientifically speaking, Mondays are the furthest thing in the world from Friday. Nothing good ever happens on Mondays. I have nothing more to say on the subject.

Tuesday – Spira used to be confused by Tuesdays. Perplexed, even. Let me share what I’ve learned over many glorious years of being Spira. This is a secret, are you paying attention? Tuesday’s are “No Man’s Land”, much like wandering in the desert. It’s not Monday anymore, which is a step in the right direction. On the other hand, it’s not even Wednesday yet! What gives?

Wednesday – The Hump Day. Lots of activity on Wednesdays! When the day starts, it’s so lame because the week isn’t even half over. However, something magical happens at Noon, and the balance of power shifts towards the inevitable momentum of Friday. It’s all downhill from here, baby! Important note: it is now appropriate to text Ryan and ask him “How many hours?!”

Thursday – the kids these days call it “Friday Junior” – are they kidding Spira? Nothing is Friday except for Friday, ya dig? Sir Isaac Newton discovered that theory and proved it at the first Gino’s many years ago. True fact. Something truly magical does happen when you leave work on Thursday. If you look off into the distance, while listening to an 80s playlist, you can just barely start to see Friday on the horizon… It’s so almost on. Ryan should know exactly how many hours are left and text me back immediately.

That’s a wrap! Should I post this on LinkedIn? Be honest. People tell me I’m an “influencer”, but Spira isn’t about the spotlight. It’s really all about the content and building an authentic community. Don’t @ me.

Best Regards,

Spira

You’ve missed me, I know. I’m not sorry though, Spira’s been busy! He’s got a fancy new pad in the city! He’s got a new job working with Katie! He’s got a new Netflix special dropping next month! One of those isn’t true, but I can’t say more than that… You understand. Many NDAs have been signed.

Have you been watching the Jeopardy lately? Who does this Ken Jennings guy think he is? He’s not better than me. He’s lucky they won’t let Spira on the show. Why, you ask? I don’t have time to explain in detail, but Spira and Trebek have a checkered past! I don’t want to tell tales out of school, but Trebek owes me some money and it’ll take more than a Daily Double to make up for all the interest and late fees. Let’s just say that our Canadian friend doesn’t know much about the ponies, if you catch Spira’s drift.

That’s all for now, Diary. You’re a sweet kid. Thanks for holding down the fort while Spira was busy keeping the world safe for chicanery!

Toodles!

Spira

We need to straighten these clouds out, they owe me a lot of money. Spira doesn’t want to put the cart before the horse, but it is probably time to book my monthly trip to Miami. Many babes with crushes on Spira!

Stay Frosty!

What’s happening, baby? It’s Hanukkah and you haven’t bought anything for Spira yet. What gives? I guess I have been neglecting you, and I’m sorry. Spira’s been busy! Who do you think makes the trains run on time, anyway? Fletch promised he’d take me to Gino’s later and that’s the greatest gift of all.

What’s the plan for the Bear game tomorrow? We’re good this year – who knew?! Anyway, let’s tailgate. I’ve got a Foreman Grill I can plug into the cigarette lighter on the ’94 Saturn. Are you in?

You’re a good kid, Diary. Don’t ever change.

Love,

Spira

P.S. Stay frosty, there will be texting later!